Blocking out the Traitors: A pessimistic guide to The Traitors Australia

When I first heard there was going to be a celebrity version of The Traitors Australia, I assumed two things: there would be absolutely zero actual celebrities, and about 40% of the cast would enter the room a good 6 minutes after their lips.

Before looking at the cast list, I consulted my *clears throat* Celebrity Version Bingo card:

Do you guys remember when Schapelle Corby was on Dancing With The Stars?

I don’t know about you, but I’m still moderately rattled by the season of The Traitors Australia where Camille blindsided Sam (see also: insufferable flog) to sabotage the finale and ensure no one won anything. Iconic.

Alas, we turn our attention to the first episode of the new season — but let’s revisit the premise of the show.

A bunch of people get chucked into a creepy mansion where a few of them are assigned as traitors. The rest remain ‘faithfuls’. The aim of the game (aside from Insta followers) is for the faithfuls to try and identify and vote out the traitors, while the traitors get to murder one faithful at a time. There’s a cash prize up for grabs — if any faithfuls remain at the end, they can split the prize, but if any of the traitors have slipped through, they’ll take it all.

TLDR: Lying, scheming, and backstabbing. Basically MAFS without the experts asking about their sex lives.

So now it begins…

It starts with Gretel Killeen being ominous in a power suit, who gives us a run-down of the game. She mentions “deceit is power” – MAFS people should be fine then. I then immediately wonder if I’ve turned on Farmer Wants A Wife due to all the drone shots of fields.

Then we head to the cars full of the players. There’s Dicko from Australian idol, and I’m shocked to see him talking to another aspiring winner without immediately recommending that she lose weight.

I’m also happy to see representation from a minority, in the form of *checks notes*identical twins (Josh and Luke from The Block/Love Island). We also have Gamble, from Real Housewives, and every time I hear her name the only thing I see in my head is this:

You can’t beat the classics.

But I’ve got to say — “it’s nice seeing cows that aren’t decorative,” is a cracking opening line from her. Cam Merchant is also in that car, where everyone is surprised his marriage has lasted this long (which is valid to be honest. He met her on MAFS).

Meanwhile, Kirby from Survivor is wearing a leather jacket so I’m automatically terrified of her. We get to the mansion, which Alex Nation describes as “giving Bachelor”. Girl, it’s about lying, scheming and pretending you’re not there for money… of course it’s giving Bachelor.

It turns out we have an OG Australian Idol contestant in Cosima, who amusingly thinks she can rely on Dicko. Girl, you can’t rely on anyone in this game, especially someone wearing a t-shirt under a blazer in the country.  

We also have a drag queen, Kween Kong — which is also the name I have for my dog’s rubber toy. If she’s as indestructible and fierce as that, she’ll win for sure. I’m then personally delighted to see my nepo baby prediction come to fruition in the form of Rob Farnham, which is probably the only time he’ll be called by his actual name and not “John Farnham’s son” for the whole series.

It’s genuinely cute seeing people being all chummy knowing how much beef is about to go down. The fake chatter is interrupted by a coffin being carried out by a bunch of cloaked, masked men. So nice of my sleep paralysis demons to join us! While everyone is freaking out, Maanaki remarks that coffins are apparently hard to sleep in. Hmm.

Anyway, the coffin opens, and it’s Gretel in a blood-soaked wedding dress. We’ve all been there. She then reveals that the contestants could win up to $250k, and everyone rubs their hands together and pretends that’s not why they’re all there. She gives them her full permission to be as naughty as they want to be…  and if by naughty you mean “petty regarding who Ritchie chose in season 4 of The Bachelor”, then I think we might be on here.

Gretel then tells the group to select the most virtuous person, you can tell that the Love Island folks have no idea what that means. They choose olympian and Survivor-winner Shane, who someone calls a sly, cute little kitten (which also happens to be my tinder bio).

Shane is then handed a bowl full of keys, which is probably triggering for the MAFS participants. Are we sure this is this meant to be on at 7:30?

Shane is left without a key, and has to choose someone else’s — therefore kicking them out of the show before it’s even begun. You can immediately hear everyone’s anus slam shut. She chooses Cam from MAFS, and he didn’t even have to write leave on a shitty little plaque.

We enter the mansion, and it’s as you’d expect: creepy and very wooden. I have a few questions so far, and “how many fucking people are here from Survivor?” is most of them. The ‘celebs’ mingle and exchange fake pleasantries, and Shane is already aware that she’s on the hit list.

We then find out that Alex and Kiera were on the same season of the Bachelor, and had beef. Alex reckons it’s fine because it’s been over 10 years, but from the way she keeps mentioning it, you just know 10-year old Bachelor shit is going to hit a rusty old fan in that mansion at some point.

Gretel then is heard to describe the cast as “21 of reality television’s finest”. And that just cannot be true, because that bloke off RBT who was “waiting for a mate” is nowhere to be seen.

Things are about to heat up as we head to the round table, where the traitors are about to be chosen. Everyone puts their blindfolds on, and you can slice the tension in the air with the Logie that this show definitely will not be receiving.

The first traitor is selected: Kirby from Survivor. Here we goooooo. The second one selected is Alvin from Masterchef, followed by Alex from The Bachelor. So a professional manipulator, a chef, and a Bachelor contestant. What could go wrong?

Everyone takes their masks off, and Alvin almost immediately has a borderline panic attack. I love this already. They’re left at the round table to have their first few awkward conversations, and some people quickly spot that Luke has gone bright red and has taken off his jacket. Relax people, he probably just did coke in the bathroom.

Watching Alvin, Alex and Kirby interact with everyone with their new titles is hilarious. Alvin overanalyses some bubbles in his champagne and Kirby slinks around eavesdropping.

Dicko automatically goes into recruitment mode, and channels his best MLM rep in your inbox, falling just short of calling someone hun. Alex has a different tactic, and goes to town on a jar of snakes before immediately bitching about Keira. You can take the girl out of the Bachelor mansion, but you can’t take the Bachelor mansion out of the girl.

Meanwhile, Rhys is onto Kirby. He can feel it in his waters, you guys. Kween Kong says she heard Kirby being tapped on the shoulder at the round table, and honestly, someone just blow the siren now… only joking, we all know they’ll totally fuck this up from here.

The celebs are then given their first mission, or as I like to call them: ways for the editors to fill out the episodes so they’re not just filled with Keira abusing people. The missions are essentially about adding money to the prize pot. Teams must find hidden bones on a map around the grounds, and there are also shields up for grabs (which will grant whoever finds them immunity from the first murder).

Rhys is keen for a shield, stating that “if I was a traitor, I’d just kill the people that seem annoying”, and honestly, same. Everyone then starts running around looking for the bones, and a shield is found in a bowl of dog food, meaning twin one is safe.

In another group, Rachael finds another shield in a big vat of slime, before old mate Farnham finds one outside. It would be nice if the shields also automatically muted Kiera and Gamble’s unnecessary screaming, but you can’t have it all.  

The teams basically have to fit the bones they’ve found into skeletons of Gretel’s dead husbands, where they’ll then be awarded with some silver. Some teams are quicker than others, and it’s getting to the point where I just want them to hurry up with this challenge so we can see some bratty behaviour over a few drinks. The last team to return decides to lie about finding a shield because they can’t find one. Fair enough.

Back at the mansion, things are already heating up. Maanaki calls out Kiera for lying about having a shield, so she starts plotting his demise. Meanwhile, Alex is just sitting their sipping her wine.

In another room, Lawson and one of the twins are just there for the beers, which is so valid. Everyone is then sent to bed, and Gretel summons her traitors and gets them to take the Traitors’ Oath. They vow to lie and deceive, and to keep their true identity hidden. I didn’t hear a clause about beef wellingtons, but I’m sure it was in there somewhere.

The traitors head into a room and find out each other’s identities for the first time. For a hot minute they’re just standing there in their cloaks not saying anything, and what in the Jehovah’s Witnesses is this? As a side note, I’m confident that Alvin will last a while, simply due to his glasses.

Gretel comes in and tasks them with choosing the first person to murder, and you can see Alvin’s eyes light up like he’s just been served an elite mystery box. The traitors start discussing who to murder, and start throwing up names. It ends up being between Queen, Dicko and Rob.

We then get a sneak peek of the next episode, which features Kiera telling someone to shut up over breakfast. I honestly can’t wait to witness several weeks of people from dating shows ironically trying to convince people that they’re faithful.

How good. Until next time…